So I know that I have been balancing on the edge of control in the last 6 weeks or so. I’m a ping pong of emotions, all being very physical in manifestation. Happy, motivating, role model of role models both professionally and at home. Lots of spending on my daughter, completely unnecessary. Lots of great ideas for alternative thinking for colleagues with their “difficult” patients.
Professionally this can very quickly be followed by frustration, either because others cannot follow my erratic thought processes or because I don’t understand how they didn’t get to a solution themselves. Next, will be paranoia, as I am convinced I must have overstepped, that I should have just left them to it and that my idea was ridiculous. Occasionally, and with increasing frequently, I don’t have paranoia professionally. I think that this is due to my focus being about patient care, about seeking the best possible outcomes at all times. I have grown in confidence professionally to the point that I have broken part of my negative cycle.
That’s rather good. I didn’t even realise until I started to tap away at writing this entry. I thought this was going to be mostly critical of my falling off the edge. It seems not.
At home is a different set of circumstances. But I really do need to find a way of being as strong as I am at work. My head feels so so heavy all the time and weighs me down.
The Bi-polar Nurse 